C-Mart Pitching Like Kmart
No joy comes from benching your ace and having him do a shot of Visine right as he's going to bed. "I'm just going to tuck myself in with a glass of warm milk and a Visine back." Nope, that brings me...
View ArticleFAAB Five: Save on Saves
As the fantasy world clamors for Sam Dyson and Pedro Strop to scoop some extra saves, we will be different. Sure, these two may be in line for the occasional save opportunity, Strop until Brandon...
View ArticleWhoa Snelly!
At least they weren't no-hit, that's what I always say. Then I follow it with #getstrapped or whatever 50 Cent says now. This is not going to be out on a limb or anything, but celebrities were...
View ArticleBatman Turner Overdrive
Yesterday, Trea Turner hit his 10th and 11th homer, contributing 8 RBIs, touching home plate three times for those jimmies (what they call runs on the east coast) and hitting .280 on the year. Feels...
View ArticleIndians Give Chilly Reception To Fellow Ohioans And Light Up The Skyline
Was thinking about this the other day. Bear with me, it's not fully formed (like the rest of this shizz). Is there a higher upside move than becoming a magician? David Blaine scored, Penn &...
View ArticleAnthony Perkins Up Fantasy Owners, Scaring Mothers Everywhere
I wanna geek out for a second. You with me? Orf course you are, because I say "Orf course" and you're still reading! Entering yesterday's game Anthony Rendon (3-for-5, 3 runs, 3 RBIs and his 14th...
View ArticleEven Charo’s Jealous Of The Mariners’ Kikuchi Coup
I was waiting for Manny Machado or Bryce Harper to sign before dropping the last bit of offseason signings before the rankings that start on Monday, but apparently the Phillies only have $300 million...
View ArticleHiura Not Gonna Believe This But I Was Keston The Lips By The Brewers
My preseason NL MVP pick was Travis Shaw. *turns to a mirror* You're handsome, but hella stupid. My mirror reflection separates from my body. The apparition picks up a see-through suitcase, "I...
View ArticleYu Go Gurriel!
The last month the Gurriel father & son team, Yu-Lou-Gu, have been having is absolutely crazy. It's the best father & son month since August 1984 with Yogi and Dale Berra. Only Yogi and...
View ArticleAngels Finally Letting Adell Sing On The Big Stage
It's always hard to know if a major league manager is being sly or stupid. Guessing stupid gets you right at least 75% of the time, sly is 24%. This time Maddon might be in the 1%. Maddon seemed to...
View ArticleI Picked Up Conforto Before It Was Cool
Mets outfielder Michael Conforto was 2-for-3 last night, scoring two runs with his 12th home run, and three RBI. Could this be the start of something big? Who's Conforto, you ask? Lol, you pleb--Don’t...
View ArticleJake Tried But(t) Pirates Had Their Way With My Ratios
Imagine the Cubs decided to use Lester, Hendricks, Hammel and Lackey in the playoffs, and not Jake Arrieta. Not sure it would be the wrong move either. Arrieta isn't just out of gas, he's on a...
View ArticleThe 8th Annual Razzballies
Welcome back for another star-studded event! Assuming you hack into your favorite online dictionary and replace the definition of 'star' with "guy who lives in his mom's basement and screams when...
View ArticleCouch Managers 2017 Industry Mock Draft Recap, Rounds 1-6
Greetings, friends. I hopped over to the football side of things once last year's baseball season ended, but now I'm back. And apparently, I am such a disturbed individual that I am doing fantasy...
View ArticleTop 100 Starters for 2017 Fantasy Baseball
With these top 100 starters for 2017 fantasy baseball, I've finished our (my) 2017 fantasy baseball rankings for positions. Still coming will be a top 100 overall and top 500 to see how all the...
View ArticleCouch Managers 2017 Industry Mock Draft, Final Recap
It took us a few weeks, but we have arrived at the finale. We can finally wrap up the Couch Managers 2017 Industry Mock Draft recaps. It feels like just yesterday I was getting started on what was...
View ArticleManuel Margot is Automatic Add
I've been waiting here at my computer crunching advanced sabremetrics in hyper-suspended cryogenic animation since we last spoke a la Chris Pratt and Jennifer Lawrence in Passengers, and yes, that was...
View ArticleStarling Was Not Peeing Clarice
Such a weird week of Jodie Foster references at Razzball, and we're only to Wednesday. What will be tomorrow? Joe Panik Room? Okay, raise your hand if you saw Starling Marte being suspended for...
View ArticleABABC — Andrew Benintendi Always Be Crushing
What if we're all living inside a Boston masshole's dream? This is Inception, and we all fell asleep sometime after Tom Brady was drafted, but before the Patriots won their first Super Bowl. Then,...
View ArticleWe’re Going Streaming!, Week 4: Ricky Business
Greetings streamaholics. I'm back for another week of zany hijinks and madcap fun in our pursuit of streaming perfection. Like always, I'll be sorting through the bargain bin and lightly owned section...
View ArticleET: The Extra Thamesbeastrial
Eric Thames went 2-for-3, 3 runs, 3 RBIs and hit two more homers (9, 10). *does exaggerated yawn* Justice Eric Ruth Thames is like, "Yeah, I had a harder time in Korea, ya'll suck." Jer-Ru the...
View ArticlePaxton Grabs Felix’s Abdicated Throne
I'm picturing Clint Eastwood in Escape from Alcatraz, coiffing his hair (gorgeous hair) chipping away with his pickaxe. I'm seeing Andy Dufresne also beautiful hair and a pickaxe. Now that I think...
View ArticleAmbulance Chasers, Week 4: Dirt Bikes Used To Make Everything Better
Lots of little piddly injuries this week that don’t seem to be of much consequence. Self-proclaimed MVP candidate Yoenis Cespedes missed a few games with hamstring soreness, but seems ready to return....
View ArticleMets Eat A Half Dozen Rendonuts With Triple Dong Icing
Yesterday, Anthony Rendon went 6-for-6, 5 runs, 10 RBIs and his first three homers of the year. *gulps* Sonavabench! That is worst sonavabench I've had in my life and I thought my worst sonavabench...
View ArticlePodcast: Take One
It is take one of the new Razzball Baseball Podcast, now featuring Halp. Or is it halp? Should I be honored that I was graced with the lowercase “h,” or insulted? I guess I'll have to ask malamoney how...
View ArticleFamilia Learns Shoulder Arteries Resemble Traffic To LaGuardia Airport
Jeurys Familia has been diagnosed with a clogged artery in his right shoulder. Do the Met doctors have Waze? Try the Van Wyck Artery. You know what's happening here, right? This is Metsferatu, the...
View ArticleDeGrom, DeGrom On The Rangers Where Seager And Adolis G Play
"You can spend any amount of money, but it has to be in the months of November and December, then from the months of April thru October you have to stink." Rangers' GM, the 8-foot tall Chris Young...
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Ambulance Chasers: Tanner H-OUCH
Howdy, Razzballers! Thank you for another edition of Razzball’s Ambulance Chasers, your fantasy baseball injury report or analysis, or something along those lines depending on my mood. THIS WEEK, I am...
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SAGNOF: New Faces In New Places, 2024 Edition
What’s poppin, Razzpimples? Fantasy baseball is already on the horizon! I say this every year: it really does sneak up on me each and every time. Nevertheless, I’m dead chuffed to have been handed the...
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Prospect News: FYPD Blues
It’s 2:58 on Friday afternoon. Should be primetime real estate for escapism, but here I am staring at Dennis Franz’s naked ass. That’s not true, but it might as well be because I’m actually looking at...
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